Today I would have landed in Jamaica at 3 in the morning, bleary-eyed and filled with excitement (and probably a little trepidation). Instead, I spent part of the morning writing notes and checks to reimburse those who supported me financially for the trip. As much as one would think I would be melancholy about it all, I found it cathartic and I am peaceful about my decision not to go on the trip. Each note I wrote today reminded me of the amazing circle of friends and family I have ... friends that were willing to give from their own pockets and hearts to see something I dreamed of come true. That's a pretty spectacular thing to behold and comprehend. Made my heart warm.
I won't get into too much of the reasoning behind my not going ... suffice it to say that there was a medical mistake made with some maintenance medicine I take, which had some pretty bad results. This combined with my life being too busy (though very happy = I didn't realize how thin I had spread myself ... motherhood, home-making, graduate school with a 3.85 gpa, a 50 min. commute each way to seminary, a child with a very serious medical condition -- Charlotte's scoliosis, search and rescue training, and on top of it a trip out of the country) and I was suddenly farther from myself than I have ever been. It was scary and painful and I don't know what I would have done without my gem of a husband. We have spent a lot of time going to different doctors (even two ERs) and Eli called many people to search out the help I needed. This is a guy who does not like the phone and it was a huge thing for him to be as persistent as he was. I kept thinking I could do it, when I was feeling good. That I could go to Jamaica despite it all, but today I know that without a doubt I made the right decision. I'm feeling better slowly and I'm being gentle with myself (hard for a woman who is big on being independent and strong and spontaneous).
The support I've received from everyone has been been like loving glue and I can't thank everyone enough for the calls, emails, texts, cards, and care packages. You all rock and I love you dearly.
There will be other trips ... this one just wasn't meant for me and that's okay.
And I just might keep this blog going ... a good way to have a creative outlet, put myself back together, and keep in touch with folks ... what say ye?
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
gratitude
Guess what arrived in the mail today?
The check from RocketHub that is the culmination of a beautiful group of friends and family coming together and making a dream happen for me ... and, much more importantly, bringing some aid to people who really need it. I held that check for a long time and nearly cried when I endorsed it.
Tomorrow it will be deposited in the bank and it will pay my way on a work trip that is on my mind and heart every moment of each day as it draws near. I leave in about a month. A month that will fly by. Can I say thank you, one more time (okay, I can't promise it will be the last time) to all who made it happen and for those who are supporting me with their love and prayers?
Thank you. You guys rock.
The check from RocketHub that is the culmination of a beautiful group of friends and family coming together and making a dream happen for me ... and, much more importantly, bringing some aid to people who really need it. I held that check for a long time and nearly cried when I endorsed it.
Tomorrow it will be deposited in the bank and it will pay my way on a work trip that is on my mind and heart every moment of each day as it draws near. I leave in about a month. A month that will fly by. Can I say thank you, one more time (okay, I can't promise it will be the last time) to all who made it happen and for those who are supporting me with their love and prayers?
Thank you. You guys rock.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
photo opportunity
One of the thank you gifts that I offered to those who donated to my Jamaica trip, was a 4x6 photograph of their choice out of the ones I take while on the island. A couple of years ago, we invested in a new camera, so we figured it would be good to have a camera bag to keep it safe and on our person wherever we go. I wanted one that could serve as a take-all bag while in on the work trip and took the recommendation of a friend and went on the Etsy site Porteengear.
Years ago, a friend gave me a handbag with a hobo symbol on it that means "kindhearted woman," and in giving the gift she said, "I know how it is with handbags ... it's okay to be poly-amorous." I thought that was brilliant because I have several bags that I love with equal devotion and there really is nothing like a new bag ready to be filled with things. One of my favorite playtime activities as a kid was to go through my mom's purses and handbags, and carry one around for the day.
Porteengear has some gorgeous bags and I picked one that was ready-made, given that the trip is in just over a month. Yesterday, while at the seminary for an opening-of-the-semester worship service, I badgered our guide about an itinerary and meeting. Hopefully both will come to fruition next week. Eek!
So it was a happy day at the post office because my ... ahem our ... camera bag arrived today.
Years ago, a friend gave me a handbag with a hobo symbol on it that means "kindhearted woman," and in giving the gift she said, "I know how it is with handbags ... it's okay to be poly-amorous." I thought that was brilliant because I have several bags that I love with equal devotion and there really is nothing like a new bag ready to be filled with things. One of my favorite playtime activities as a kid was to go through my mom's purses and handbags, and carry one around for the day.
Porteengear has some gorgeous bags and I picked one that was ready-made, given that the trip is in just over a month. Yesterday, while at the seminary for an opening-of-the-semester worship service, I badgered our guide about an itinerary and meeting. Hopefully both will come to fruition next week. Eek!
So it was a happy day at the post office because my ... ahem our ... camera bag arrived today.
Here's Django saying, "Yes, to the bag, woman."
As each little element of my trip arrives or figures itself out, the more real it is to me. The fear is subsiding and giving way to a true, ready-to-jump, excitement. As my dear Milady says, "She who dares, Melissa ... she who dares.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Handy Dandy Notebook
There is something special about a Moleskin notebook. And I've come into a tradition which dictates that one's first Moleskin must be a gift. Two friends of mine (Mz. McCue and KJ) gave me my first pocket-sized and large Moleskins and I cherished them. I had wanted one for myself for a while, but thought a-notebook-is-a-notebook-is-a-notebook ... until those Moleskin gifts.
These hard cover gems come with a secret pocket in the back for stashing little bits of paper, fliers from events and shows, notes from friends and loved ones, and sports a ribbon bookmark to keep the next blank page at the ready. With each notebook comes a piece of paper detailing the history of Moleskins and famous devotees, including Hemmingway. My favorite part, however, is on the first page where there are lines for one to leave their name and contact info, below which it reads, "Reward ______"
It's not a joke.
If you lose your Moleskin, you're going to want it back.
I put my reward at $50 in my last Moleskin, a reward which was waived by the post mistress who found my Moleskin after I left it (gasp!) on the post office counter after buying stamps. I did have a sliver of fear that upon finding it she read it, but I can live with that. I wrote some pretty good stuff in there, close-to-the-heart pieces, ideas for novels, poetry, character sketches and have taped in pictures that have caught my fancy along with notes from friends, including the handwritten directions to the Local Buzz coffee shop up in Corinth, VT, drawn by my dear friend and fellow writer, Lora.
I decided to buy myself a red Moleskin for the trip to Jamaica. I'm about five pages away from filling my current, black (yawn) Moleskin and knew I would need something to journal in while on the work trip. I decided on red because it says: gutsy ... creative ... willing to take a leap.
I placed an order for one, only to have the shipping go a little wonky and it was returned to the sender. I placed another order, only to receive a pocket-sized (ie: not nearly big enough for what I'll be experiencing in Jamaica), which, instead of sending back, I will give away to someone who needs their first Moleskin (what a delicious plan, eh?). But this leaves me without my coveted red notebook and I placed an order for one this afternoon ... double and then triple checking that it was for a red, ruled, large Moleskin.
I will now commence my vigil at the post office front door until it arrives.
These hard cover gems come with a secret pocket in the back for stashing little bits of paper, fliers from events and shows, notes from friends and loved ones, and sports a ribbon bookmark to keep the next blank page at the ready. With each notebook comes a piece of paper detailing the history of Moleskins and famous devotees, including Hemmingway. My favorite part, however, is on the first page where there are lines for one to leave their name and contact info, below which it reads, "Reward ______"
It's not a joke.
If you lose your Moleskin, you're going to want it back.
I put my reward at $50 in my last Moleskin, a reward which was waived by the post mistress who found my Moleskin after I left it (gasp!) on the post office counter after buying stamps. I did have a sliver of fear that upon finding it she read it, but I can live with that. I wrote some pretty good stuff in there, close-to-the-heart pieces, ideas for novels, poetry, character sketches and have taped in pictures that have caught my fancy along with notes from friends, including the handwritten directions to the Local Buzz coffee shop up in Corinth, VT, drawn by my dear friend and fellow writer, Lora.
I decided to buy myself a red Moleskin for the trip to Jamaica. I'm about five pages away from filling my current, black (yawn) Moleskin and knew I would need something to journal in while on the work trip. I decided on red because it says: gutsy ... creative ... willing to take a leap.
I placed an order for one, only to have the shipping go a little wonky and it was returned to the sender. I placed another order, only to receive a pocket-sized (ie: not nearly big enough for what I'll be experiencing in Jamaica), which, instead of sending back, I will give away to someone who needs their first Moleskin (what a delicious plan, eh?). But this leaves me without my coveted red notebook and I placed an order for one this afternoon ... double and then triple checking that it was for a red, ruled, large Moleskin.
I will now commence my vigil at the post office front door until it arrives.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
growing pains
This will be my first trip away from the girls for a long span of time. In the past I've gone to New England on weekend writing retreats, but I've never been away from them for a whole week. I remember when my parents went away when I was little, how much I missed them, but now as a parent I'm so glad they set that example for me -- they were showing me that to be a good parent was to honor one's self, get outta Dodge now and then, because only then can one parent well. In the sixteen years that we've been together, Eli and I have spent very little time apart. I expect a time of settling in will happen when I get to Jamaica, the pulling of heartstrings, and I will be tired as we will be flying a red-eye on Air Jamaica. Which reminds me ... I still have yet to figure out what we'll do with the girls while we drive me to and from the airport in the middle of the night ... as a friend says, "All will be well." One thing at a time, right?
I've been pushing myself past so many boundaries lately and I have felt myself grow each time I do something that scares me. It doesn't have to be a huge and momentous thing, but my biggest change recently has been to enter graduate school. For an introvert who has spent the last ten years focused on parenting and being a homemaker, this was a big leap for me. And I love it so much I can't wait for classes to start up again this semester. I have grown more in the past five months than I have in the past five years, because of the work I'm doing in seminary and the people I've met and shared classes with. My classmates have challenged me to believe in the authenticity of my call, and I'm grateful.
It's a funny thing, a call to be a minister in some capacity, in my case a chaplaincy. At one time it is something that lights up every corner of my insides, the next causing me to shyly try and figure out a way around it because I'm worried people won't understand, or will pull away feeling that they have to act differently around me. Or expect me to act differently.
My father came right to the point and joked, "You know this means you can't swear anymore, right?"
Or as another friend put it, "You're in divinity school? Wow, you must think about God all the time!"
Well, yeah, I do. But the conversations I have with God are often, "Oops ... sorry about that ... I'll try harder next time."
Mostly, however, it's, "Thank you."
When I wake up in the night suddenly afraid to leave my husband and children to work for a week in a place I've never been with people I don't know, I nestle closer to Eli and say thank you. Thank you for being blessed to have both ... a family I adore and the chance to do something I absolutely love and feel a call to do, because the God I believe in wants us to help those who need it most and asks us to love one another.
Thank you.
Thank you for the birds that come to my feeder each day and remind me that we're not here that long, so enjoy each moment, it's all we have. Thank you for the deer in our woods that bed down at twilight, legs curved hoof to hoof and necks draped over rib cages that rise and fall with each breath. Thank you for the effervescent laughter of my children that floats out of their room and causes their parents to smile, the argument from earlier in the day wiped clean off the day's slate. Thank you for the stars that snap in the sky over our back porch. Thank you for the times I found my keys or my glasses or my phone right when I needed them. Thank you for taking from me what I can't do for myself and making my life pop into three dimensions. Thank you for the fear that tells me I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to do. Thank you for my friends, who made this trip possible. Thank you for Jamaica.
Thank you.
I've been pushing myself past so many boundaries lately and I have felt myself grow each time I do something that scares me. It doesn't have to be a huge and momentous thing, but my biggest change recently has been to enter graduate school. For an introvert who has spent the last ten years focused on parenting and being a homemaker, this was a big leap for me. And I love it so much I can't wait for classes to start up again this semester. I have grown more in the past five months than I have in the past five years, because of the work I'm doing in seminary and the people I've met and shared classes with. My classmates have challenged me to believe in the authenticity of my call, and I'm grateful.
It's a funny thing, a call to be a minister in some capacity, in my case a chaplaincy. At one time it is something that lights up every corner of my insides, the next causing me to shyly try and figure out a way around it because I'm worried people won't understand, or will pull away feeling that they have to act differently around me. Or expect me to act differently.
My father came right to the point and joked, "You know this means you can't swear anymore, right?"
Or as another friend put it, "You're in divinity school? Wow, you must think about God all the time!"
Well, yeah, I do. But the conversations I have with God are often, "Oops ... sorry about that ... I'll try harder next time."
Mostly, however, it's, "Thank you."
When I wake up in the night suddenly afraid to leave my husband and children to work for a week in a place I've never been with people I don't know, I nestle closer to Eli and say thank you. Thank you for being blessed to have both ... a family I adore and the chance to do something I absolutely love and feel a call to do, because the God I believe in wants us to help those who need it most and asks us to love one another.
Thank you.
Thank you for the birds that come to my feeder each day and remind me that we're not here that long, so enjoy each moment, it's all we have. Thank you for the deer in our woods that bed down at twilight, legs curved hoof to hoof and necks draped over rib cages that rise and fall with each breath. Thank you for the effervescent laughter of my children that floats out of their room and causes their parents to smile, the argument from earlier in the day wiped clean off the day's slate. Thank you for the stars that snap in the sky over our back porch. Thank you for the times I found my keys or my glasses or my phone right when I needed them. Thank you for taking from me what I can't do for myself and making my life pop into three dimensions. Thank you for the fear that tells me I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to do. Thank you for my friends, who made this trip possible. Thank you for Jamaica.
Thank you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
shoe shine
When we went to China, almost 7 years ago now, I knew I would need some good walking shoes, so I bought a pair of Mary Jane-style Keens. Usually I'm not a huge fan of shoe shopping, but I fell in love with those suckers the minute I put them on. They fit my very flat feet perfectly and I was blister free all ten days we were in Beijing, Guiyang, and Guangzhou. Ever since then, I drool over the prospect of shoe shopping and have sworn by Keen shoes of all types.
I don't know what our full itinerary is for the Jamaica trip, but I've gotten tantalizing tidbits from our guide, Hopeton. We will be working from Monday through Thursday and it looks like Friday will hold two excursions ... one to hike up a waterfall area, the other (gulp) a crocodile safari. I'm all for things with wings, paws, fur, and feathers, but crocs and alligators aren't high on my get-up-close-to list. Wait ... wasn't my first post all about pushing past comfort zones? I digress. Back to shoes ...
Usually I get a pair of flip flops (that's "thongs" for you in Australia) for summer. In fact the girls and I have a tradition we call Flip Flop Day, which happens sometime within the first week of their summer vacation and we each get a celebratory pair. But I think I'll be needing something more substantial for Jamaica, between working and hiking and that means a trip to REI to shoe shop at some point. I covet these beauties in particular:
I'll be sure to post a shot of my sandal-clad feet when I get them. For now, it's about 24 degrees out and I'm sticking to my fleece slippers. Brrrr!
I don't know what our full itinerary is for the Jamaica trip, but I've gotten tantalizing tidbits from our guide, Hopeton. We will be working from Monday through Thursday and it looks like Friday will hold two excursions ... one to hike up a waterfall area, the other (gulp) a crocodile safari. I'm all for things with wings, paws, fur, and feathers, but crocs and alligators aren't high on my get-up-close-to list. Wait ... wasn't my first post all about pushing past comfort zones? I digress. Back to shoes ...
Usually I get a pair of flip flops (that's "thongs" for you in Australia) for summer. In fact the girls and I have a tradition we call Flip Flop Day, which happens sometime within the first week of their summer vacation and we each get a celebratory pair. But I think I'll be needing something more substantial for Jamaica, between working and hiking and that means a trip to REI to shoe shop at some point. I covet these beauties in particular:
I'll be sure to post a shot of my sandal-clad feet when I get them. For now, it's about 24 degrees out and I'm sticking to my fleece slippers. Brrrr!
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